Grieving after an abortion can be an intense and deeply personal experience that often defies categorization or predictability. Many individuals face a complex mix of emotions, and many women often report feelings of guilt, loss, depression, and anger.
Below are some truths about grief after abortion that you may find helpful. If you are post abortion – whether that be days, weeks, years, or decades – read through these. You can also be directed to organizations that can provide compassionate support to help you begin to find healing!
1. Your Grief is Unique to YOU
Your emotional response to an abortion is deeply personal. You may have found yourself experiencing profound loss. You may be numb. You may experience extreme sadness that you haven’t been able to attach to your abortion yet. Your feelings may surface immediately or emerge later – even years later. Regardless of the timeline, your emotions are legitimate.
It’s important to know that grief doesn’t adhere to a specific timeline or standard appearance. Just know that support is available whenever you are ready to accept it.
2. Grief is Not Linear
Grief after abortion rarely follows a tidy path. The familiar stages of most grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – in reality often don’t present themselves in that order. You may find yourself experiencing these stages out of order, or even taking years to move from one stage to the next. You may even find that some stages combine as you move through them.
And it is very possible that you may experience some of these stages more than once. Most importantly, know that you aren’t alone in your grief. Not only have other post-abortive women experienced grief, but there are organizations that can assist you as you grapple with these very real feelings.
3. It’s Normal to Grieve What “Might Have Been”
Questions like “What if things had been different?” can weigh heavily. These “what ifs” are a natural part of the grieving process. Thoughts that make us grieve the “what ifs” often arise around the time of the due date; and very often occur annually as that date approaches.
It’s normal to have these questions, but it can also lead to feelings of never being able to move forward. You may find it hard to heal while dealing with the “What Ifs” surrounding your abortion.
Accepting what has happened is vital, and support can help shift focus toward the future.
4. When You Grieve in Silence, It’s Heavy
Many hide their grief due to societal pressures or shame, leading to disenfranchised grief. Disenfranchised grief is when, due to society or your own shame, your grief is hidden from others; leaving it unacknowledged.
These pressures lead to a feeling of never being able to properly grieve your loss from abortion.
This doesn’t just apply to women, either. Perhaps you are a man whose partner chose abortion, and you are dealing with unexpected grief over this loss in your own life. You likely haven’t felt the freedom to grieve this loss. You might even feel that you don’t have the right to grieve or discuss your feelings with others.
Man or woman, whether or not your grief has even been acknowledged by someone outside of yourself . . . your feelings (and grief) are valid. You’re not alone; seek support.
5. Speaking Facilitates Healing
Sharing your abortion experience can be a transformative step in your healing. Once you give yourself the freedom to speak about your abortion and the grief that you have experienced, you likely will be taking the first step toward moving past that grief.
In his groundbreaking book The Body Keeps the Score, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk discusses how trauma is stored in the body. When that trauma is held in silence, it can increase emotional (and sometimes even physical) pain.
Abortions are often done in secret and never really spoken of. This complicates the ability to heal from the trauma. You may not be ready to take the step of actually speaking to someone about your abortion experience – so we recommend writing it out on a site like this (Hurt By Abortion). You can choose whether or not to use your real name – and even whether or not to have the story published. Be assured that your story is read when it is shared here, and your voice and experience are valid, heard, and met with compassion.
Finding a safe space to share your story is vital for healing.
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Healing after an abortion is possible. But it very often doesn’t happen on its own. Too often, our culture tells us that there is no downside to abortion. But those who have experienced it and are left with grief know that what they feel is very real. Allowing yourself to acknowledge these feelings of grief – and to travel through them – is one of the first steps you can take toward healing.
Know that you aren’t alone in this. Not only have others gone through these same feelings and experiences, but there is help available to you. One help that we recommend is to reach out to the After Abortion Line provided by Support After Abortion. They are available through any avenue that you would be most comfortable with (email, text, phone, social media). They also have many resources – for both men and women – at this site to help you begin the healing process.
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Additional Resources for Your Post Abortion Healing:
