I don’t know how old I was because it happened during the hazy era, and I chose to forget. I was in my early 40s. It was the first. I was married and am still married. We have had a very complex relationship since day one. We both have family issues. All I could think of was that I was adding a problem to a pile of problems. I had been fighting severely with my husband for years. Neverending fights with my mother. My sibling and husband don’t talk. I felt I couldn’t go through the whole thing with a new person, and that it would kill me. And now I’m going through a different kind of heartbreak and pain. Not the madeup pain I was trying to avoid, but the real one.
I didn’t know better, and no one was around. It’s still the same. I don’t even know if I would reach out for help now, because I don’t know how talking would reinforce the story. I do want to be lightened up mentally and physically.
I am great at acting my way through situations around my family. Especially because my first niece has been born, I’m living with two polar opposite emotions, joy and sorrow. I act, drink, smoke, and hang out. Then I come back to the deep darkness of my own. I deal with my family alone. My husband and my life are not completely joined.
I thought I was pursuing something, that I hadn’t really lived, and that it was unfair for me to just go on and have a kid while feeling like I’d never really lived. But now I know that this fixated longing for a hypothetical achievement has killed me by making me do the most self-destructive thing one can do, next to suicide.
I want to turn this story into one with a good ending. To be able to say that I am now a completely different person. I’ve started seeing people’s suffering. I’m noticing how cruel I was to others before.
I have no choice but to continue and avoid incurring further loss. I’m committed to that. With all this, I want to say that I’m doing what I can. I hope for peace for people who are suffering.
