Jordan

I was 39 happily married with 2 very young kids (2 and 3). My husband is older than me and had 2 jobs to save before retirement. I left my job to take care of the 2 kids but was struggling raising them alone. I decided to go to my home country for 2 weeks so my parents would see my kids for the first time. My husband couldn’t come with me. It was really hard and I was struggling more than ever. Little did I know that I was pregnant. I realized I needed to do a test after my periods were still not coming. I totally freaked out when I saw the result. My husband and I couldn’t talk much because of the time difference and his jobs. When I came back, he was so busy, we were so distracted with the kids when we saw each other. We could never have a real conversation. I was so overwhelmed by everything and never thought I wanted to keep him. I booked the first appointment available. Just to find someone to look after my kids was impossible until the last minute. When I went to the sonogram, they refused to give me any information even when I asked. I left the clinic and told my husband I couldn’t do it. We were both so overwhelmed by everything, I couldn’t think anymore. My husband freaked out. We just couldn’t handle it and we decided to proceed with the abortion 30 minutes later. At first, I felt relieved but a few hours later, I realized what I did. I had to shave my hair, and cried for days. At the end, I had to do it in front of my daughter. I couldn’t stop. I cannot come back to my decision but I feel like I’m a bad mother and I don’t know if I’ll ever be a good one. Now, it’s been a year, I have ups and downs, things are more settled but I really wish I was taking care of my baby today. I truly feel I lost a member of my family. Maybe one day, I’ll recover.