I divide my life into these phases:
1. Before my abortion
2. The abortion
3. After my abortion
4. Life after receiving God’s Mercy
1. Before my abortion
I was in my early 30’s. I had quickly gotten involved and engaged to my baby’s father. My parents had met my fiancé and had shared grave concerns about him they asked me to reconsider getting married. They were able to see what I could not see at the time. In late June, after knowing this man for only 3 months, I missed my period and began to feel signs of pregnancy – severe nausea, sensitivity to smells, lower back pain, and fatigue. I took multiple drug store pregnancy tests. When I showed my fiancé the results he told me he could not be a father at this time and asked me to have an abortion. He explained that in the religion that he was raised, “it” was not considered a person until “it” was born. Hearing these words, I panicked. I was beginning to see the true colors of this man who I had so quickly jumped into bed with and promised to marry. I also was realizing that my fiancé had serious alcohol and drug addictions.
How was I going to raise this child on my own? I was consumed by fear, by shame, by hopelessness. I was away from my childhood faith.
2. The abortion
I called the abortion clinic and readily received an appointment for July 6. I told no one but my fiancé and the abortion clinic staff that I was pregnant. I called in sick to work – stomach flu. On the day of the abortion, I recall telling my fiancé as we drove to the clinic that if anyone was protesting outside of the clinic I would not go through with the abortion. On that day, no one was outside of the clinic. When I arrived at the clinic the women at the front desk asked me basic questions including how I was feeling. I was extremely nauseous with back pain. She said that the procedure would take care of all of this and I could be back at work the next day. The waiting room was full of women and graveyard quiet. In the procedure room, a woman took my vitals and although I could not see this, since she was standing behind me, I think she may have used an ultrasound. She told me she heard the heartbeat and that I was around 6 weeks pregnant. I was given something to dilate the cervix. At this time, I heard a quiet internal voice tell me to get up and leave. Regretfully, I did not. The ob/gyn who came in with his assistant was brusque. I still recall the horrible pain, the muffled sound of their voices, and the sound of the suction machine. At one point I told the staff how bad the pain was and the assistant said to hang on that it was almost over. The ob/gyn never said a word to me.
3. After my abortion
After my abortion, I was taken to a recovery area lined with recliner chairs. The staff brought me apple juice (to this day, apple juice triggers the abortion nightmare day). I sat across from a women in her late 30’s. She told me she had driven 2 hours to the city hospital from a small town. She had four children at home and she said they could not afford a fifth child. She told me her husband did not know she was having an abortion. She was worried about how she was going to drive herself home since she was bleeding heavily. I think she was like me, making the decision in isolation and not allowing anyone who could help to know. My fiancé drove me home. Total silence. I was numb with sorrow. We did not then or ever again speak of the child we aborted or how it impacted us. I recall coming home from work one evening and finding him sobbing on the porch. I did not try to comfort him. I turned and walked back into the house. Not surprisingly, my boyfriend’s drug and alcohol addiction increased and our relationship ended the following year. Physically, after the abortion, I felt that something was not right with my uterus. I made an appointment with the ob/gyn who performed the procedure. In shame, I did not want to go to my usual ob/gyn. At the appointment, as he conducted a pelvic exam, he was rough and impatient and told me nothing was wrong. Sadly, after I had this abortion, and I had four miscarriages. Despite multiple doctors, tests, and treatments, I was never able to carry a child to term.
About one month after the abortion, I sought psychiatric help. I was diagnosed with clinical depression. This was something I had struggled with previously. The prescribed antidepressants helped some but as they days went on, I found that what helped me numb the memory of the abortion and my ever present sorrow was the solace of long hours of complicated work. I threw myself into my job and begin working on my MBA in the evening.
After the abortion, I continued to make unhealthy choices with men and had two failed marriages. I was never home or when I was home, I was exhausted and/or irritable from long days or work/travel. As the years ticked by, Mother’s Day became an increasingly painful day of sorrow for me. In 2012, I recall pulling myself out of bed on Mother’s Day decided to head to a nearby woods to walk. Wildflowers were in bloom and I found a clump of violets. I counted each flower, the perfect number for the children I miscarried and the child I aborted. I sat down on the trail sobbed. The following Monday, I pushed through the grief and headed back to work. I asked my coworkers if they had a wonderful Mother’s Day and they shared photos and stories.
4. Life after receiving God’s Mercy Later in 2012, I arrived at work around 5:30 a.m. I loved being the first one in and also the last one to leave during the work day. I was able to get so much done without interruptions. But this particular morning, as I waited for the elevator, I was overwhelmed by hopelessness. I had a good job, a fantastic work tea, and a group of loving friends that I cared for but at that moment I realized that I absolutely despised my life. My current marriage was failing. I avoided being home and WORK that had previously provided an escape for me during the past ~35 years no longer had power/appeal. Recovering addicts talk about “hitting the bottom” and I think this was that moment for me.
What prompted this moment to happen I likely will never know while I am on earth. I know my devout parents had never given up praying for me. Also, God, in his great love for me, had begun placing amazing Christians around me at my work place (of course!). These were intelligent men and women who loved God and were open about their faith and (very important to me) had incredible senses of humor. I had begun to ask questions and listen as they shared their faith. I began to pray once in a while and then daily and I also began to sporadically attend Mass. In 2013, I decided to return to my Catholic faith. I decided it was time to go to Confession. When I arrived at church I got in the back of the long confession line behind a young pregnant woman who was not wearing shoes. I lived in the north and we had just an early May snow. In my mind I spoke to God – “Really?” I had brief loving moment with this young women. She told me she was going to have her baby soon and her feet were so swollen. She said she was living with her mom. I wished her all the best with her pregnancy and told her how brave she was. After she left to walk into the confessional, I spoke with God again, “I know… this young woman did what I did not do…”. After the young woman made her confession, she came out of the confessional wiping her tears. Then it was my turn. I remember how loving the priest was and how he told me that God has forgiven me and he welcomed me home. I left the left confessional with tears of immense relief.
Two years later, I made a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat where I learned, along with other post-abortive women, about the devastating toll of abortion – I recall ticking off all the PTSD symptoms that applied to me. I also learned of God’s vast mercy and forgiveness and about how I needed to forgive myself. I don’t think I have every cried as many tears as I did that weekend in those rooms full of loving women, many who had had one or more abortions. We shared our stories and I saw such common themes of damage:
• Haunting sorrow
• Addictions – drugs, alcohol, promiscuity
• Multiple failed relationships and/or marriages I left the weekend with a new sense of hope and energy.
I truly felt, with my whole being, that God and the child I aborted had completely forgiven me and that I could forgive myself. I walked into the retreat, one of the walking wounded, and left with amazing peace and a better understanding of God’s great mercy. \
The retreat was almost 10 years ago. My relationship with God continues to grow. God has surrounded me with a large and loving Catholic community and at my work he has given me a fantastic Christian boss. As I healed, I felt called to be married again. I began to read and learn about the sanctity of marriage. About the critical role a husband and wife have in helping each other get to heaven. I learned about the power and beauty of chastity before marriage.
God then placed this amazing, peaceful man in my life. This man was on the same page with me regarding chastity (very rare in this world where majority of couples are having sex prior to marriage) and life priorities – 1. God 2. Spouse 3. Family 4. Job. Interestingly, I remembered during a driving lesson (I was 15 yr. old) with my father. Along with teaching me how to use the car brakes, he explained the importance of having priorities in life. I asked him what his were and he told me “1st – God, 2nd – Your Mom, 3rd – You Kids, 4th – My job”.
Recently, I was receiving spiritual counsel regarding some sadness I had regarding my children. I am now at the stage where my friends and family are having grandchildren and once again, I am on the outside looking in. My counselor asked me,” As a Christian mom, what would be your most important goal for your child?” I answered, “To help that child get to heaven.” His next words were “You have already asked and received God’s forgiveness for aborting your child and the children that you miscarried – that was not in your control. Your children are in the best place ever, with God, and they are praying for you.” I needed to hear these powerful words. I know my children are safe in our merciful God’s loving arms. I am even more motivated to learn and live out God’s Will for me on earth so that I can be reunited with these beautiful innocent souls.
