It was right before the pandemic. I was with my ex boyfriend, whom I had known for years prior but had been dating for a year and a half. I thought he was the one I would marry. I always held strong opinions about abortion…I never believed in terminating a pregnancy, unless the mother was at risk and rape. However, in 2020 I had lost ability to trust anyone and anybody. Old wounds came up, and i recalled i was molested for years as a child and i distanced myself from my parents out of anger. I isolated myself and clung to my boyfriend and his family. This put me in a very bad mental state, I also was sexually assaulted at this time by someone I considered a friend. I was not in a good place at all.
I had gotten pregnant by my boyfriend almost a month after I was assaulted.
At first when I found out, I believed I could do it. sure it was unplanned but I was planning to move out of state with him as he got his law degree.
I told him, and at first, he was all for it. then later that day he changed his mind after he talked to his parents. They called me later, saying that i was not mentally well to take care of a child. and also suggested that the baby could be from the guy who assaulted me.
Feeling isolated from my family, and feeling lost mentally and spiritually, I relucatntly took the pill.
Afterward i was sick with cyclic vomitting for 8 months straight. I lost 35 pounds in that time. was 150 to 115. i could not drink water or any liquid, and could not eat anything. The ER was my home for a long time.
During that time i distanced myself from my ex and we eventually broke up. I regret taking that pill every day. i saw my baby in the toilet, and there is not a time i see a child and do not remember everything that i allowed to happen regardless of the influences around me. i see murderer on my face every time i look in the mirror. Sometimes i even try to paint my child’s face, attempting to imagine what they could have looked like. and what he or she looked like. in my heart i felt my baby was a girl….but ill never really know. i guess that is what keeps me up at night. i see her face everywhere.
If you’re reading this and thinking about it. Please. Don’t do it. There are options.
Thank you for reading my story.
