Jennaveve

One day I was craving something spicy and I didn’t think much of it. The next day I wanted more spicy stuff. Then the next and next I was eating pancakes with Siracha. I joked around with my boyfriend saying I was pregnant and few days later he told me I should take a pregnancy test to be sure I’m not. I was a day late on my period so I was a little worried. We went out to buy the pregnancy tests and I took 2 both came out with like a faded second line and I was telling him I think it’s positive and he was telling me no. So I took the clear blue test that says if I’m pregnant or not you know the writing one not the lined one. I took it and it said pregnant. When I saw it I was in disbelief. I told my bf and we both laughed but were shocked. I took another 2 test to be sure and yeah I was pregnant. It all hit me and finally realized what’s happening was real and I was scared. My boyfriend asked me what did I wanna do and I told him idk. I was thinking of having my baby because I’m against abortion. No matter if I’m struggling or not I was willing to do everything for my kid. But I knew my boyfriend didn’t want a kid right now. So I told him I was going to get an abortion since we’re not doing good financially. I knew if I told him I wanted the kid he would’ve said okay but he would’ve been stressed out and probably mad at me. So deep down I was scared to even want to have the kid because I didn’t wanna see him struggling or even me. I scheduled an appointment for the abortion and had to wait 2 weeks because I was to early to take the pill. During those 2 weeks I felt happy because I was pregnant and I was carrying the child of a guy I really loved. Yet I felt so guilty and sad because I was going to kill it. Today I had a doctors appointment for an ultrasound and I saw the baby it’s so tiny. It was so cute. Little did I know I was taking the pill today. I was not prepared I mean who is? No one is prepared to kill their baby. I mean that’s what I think. The doctor told me once I take the pill there’s no going back and that hit me hard. I felt so sad, guilty,lonely and scared. The face she gave me is what made me even more hurt. I didn’t wanna take the pill I was going to say forget it but then I just did it because it was for the “better”. After I left as I was walking to the bus stop a huge wave of sadness hit me and I was crying the whole way home. I’m sitting here on my bed typing all this and I’m hurt. I don’t know how I’m going to cope with this guilt and sadness. I’m only 18 and so much has been going on and I’m thinking what if I would’ve just had the baby. The baby would’ve been my happiness. The more I think about it the more my heart aches. I can’t stop looking at my ultrasound. I was 5 weeks and 6 days today. I wasn’t ready for this and I believe I’ll never recover from this because I have such a strong love for baby’s and always wanted one of my own. Now I’m just thinking if it was worth doing all this just so my boyfriend won’t struggle. I could have figured things out but everything was so complicated. I don’t know what to do. But I’m going to try to get through everything. I hope later on in life I’ll be able to have a baby after this.