This is the story of how my abortion almost killed me.
I had my abortion back in 2020. The end of 2019 was a rough time in my marriage and I was ready to leave my husband even though I really didn’t want to. He ended up convincing me to take him back by telling me he would be happy to give me another baby because he knew how much I wanted one (we only had one and before this he always told me he didn’t want any more). So I happily took him back and we decided to get pregnant again.
Our plan was to move to a new state to start over. When we confirmed my pregnancy he was not happy about it anymore. We had started hearing things about covid and how bad it was going to be, so that plus a pregnancy made him feel like now we were stuck and we would never be able to have a better life. I felt so guilty and selfish that I went ahead and scheduled an abortion because I felt like it was the only way to fix everything. The closer we got to the appointment date, the more anxious I got. I couldn’t sleep or eat much and I was constantly throwing up. He told me I didn’t have to go through with it but I felt like I did in order to save our marriage.
When I got to the planned parenthood they took an ultrasound and asked me if I wanted to look at it. I told them no because I knew I would change my mind if I did. I was instructed to take a pill there and one at home. I followed their instructions perfectly I thought.
For the next few days I was in the deepest depression I’d ever felt. I couldn’t stop crying and all I wanted was to have my baby back. Then one day my husband convinced me to go on a walk with him to get some fresh air. When we got back from the walk, I sat down and thought I had sat on a wet chair. I stood up and touched where I felt the wetness and when I looked at my hand it was covered in blood. I was very confused but thought that maybe I had started my period, so I went to wash myself off. As I was taking a shower, I started to notice that the blood wouldn’t stop running. It was only getting worse. I was losing huge blood clots and so I started panicking. In terror I cried out for my husband. It took him a while to hear me but when he finally came and saw what was happening he immediately called 911. At the time we lived in the mountains 20 minutes outside of the city and it was peak pandemic, so I knew I would be waiting awhile. All I could do was sit in the shower and sob, and hope that I wouldn’t bleed out and die in front of my husband and daughter. I kept telling God how sorry I was and to please spare me. The ambulance finally arrived and I was gurneyed out in front of my 3 year old, who I knew was probably terrified.
The trip was long and I threw up and almost lost consciousness on the way to the hospital. I was alone because guests weren’t allowed at the time. Even the nurses looked scared for me. It felt like forever before a doctor came to speak with me. She told me the abortion was incomplete and my body was trying to “finish the job”. I was devastated. She said it was good that we called for help right away because if I had waited any longer I probably would not have made it to the hospital alive. I ended up needing a D&C and 3 bags of blood. It was the worst 2 days of my life and I had to go through them alone. I just knew I was being punished and I kept asking God why He didn’t just let me die, because it was what I deserved.
I struggled for a whole year with the pain and regret of what I had done. I hated myself so much and was only hanging on for the sake of my first child. All I wanted to do was end my life but I couldn’t bring myself to do that to my family. Fast forward to the beginning of January 2021, my husband and I had mended our relationship and decided to get pregnant again. I knew that that was the only way for me to heal. I needed to right my wrong, to have a baby who I wouldn’t have had if I hadn’t had my abortion. And I was right. She mended my heart and a year and half after I had her I came to Jesus and now I have a better relationship with God than I ever have before in my life.
If you feel like your life is over, just know God says it isn’t! He isn’t done with you. Just surrender to Him and you will be washed clean and made new! He will set you free of depression, anxiety, self hate, worthlessness and suicidal thoughts. Just trust in Him! I pray whoever is reading this finds hope in my story. And if you’re suffering, just know that there is light in the darkness. Just follow it ❤
