I was living very far away from my family with a man that for a brief while, I thought MAYBE I could marry and build a life with. But a part of me knew that this was not what I wanted. We were having unprotected sex after unprotected sex and the amount of times I thought to myself “we should really be being more careful” and “I’m going to end up pregnant” is more than I like to think about. I knew what I was risking, I knew what I was doing, I knew what was going to happen and I ALWAYS said that I could never ever bring myself to have an abortion if I did get pregnant. I always said that if I get pregnant and it’s unplanned, it’s meant to be and I need to have the baby because I can’t not and because if it wasn’t meant to be then I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant in the first place. Now is probably a good time to mention that I do believe in God, so as you can imagine, when I did get pregnant, I was faced with the most difficult decision of my life and not just because of how I felt about it myself but because of how my religion feels about it and because of how I look at life.
I completely flipped on my word. I got an abortion when I said I would never, I did the unthinkable. I did not want a future with the man I was pregnant with, I did not want to be with him, I did not want to have a baby with him. So selfishly, I got an abortion for the sake of my own future when I knew I could have prevented this in the first place and that I should have been smarter and more careful. And that I should take responsibility for my actions and have the baby. But because I wasn’t more careful, because of my own choices that I made, I got myself into this situation and I did something horrible that I can never, ever undo. I took the easy way out, still didn’t take responsibility and still wasn’t any smarter until now, 2 years later(I think, I don’t even remember when I had the procedure done because I was able to run from it for so long and block it out of my mind).
A large part of the reason I got the abortion is because I knew that if I had the baby, the man of my dreams would never want to be with me. I’ve been in love with the same man since I was 15 years old and this is not the man I was pregnant with. The man I am in love with, him and I were broken up at the time, living completely different lives. But when I found out I was pregnant, one of the loudest thoughts in my mind was “he’ll never be with me now” and that is a thought I could not bear. But now I feel like I don’t deserve anything good in my life because I was stupid, irresponsible and selfish. I feel like the man I truly want to be with, is now right in front of me telling me that he wants a life with me but I feel like he doesn’t really know me unless I tell him about this story. But I am almost certain that if I tell him this story, he will not love me or want to be with me anymore. And who would want to be with me anymore? I can’t imagine anyone who would. I’d like to think that if I were the one who didn’t have an abortion and was faced with some one who I love and want to be with, telling me that they had one, that I would be forgiving. But the truth is, I don’t know if I would. I might think about it when I look at them and wonder how they live with themselves. Not in a nasty way, just a genuinely wondering type of way, and only because I know I wouldn’t be able to feel good about myself if I were the one who had an abortion. Which is where I am at now. And I don’t understand life anymore. I went against everything I believe in, with one decision. And I felt like I knew what I was doing when I was doing it but I still did it. I guess I thought I would be able to run from the decision forever but that is not the case.
I don’t know what to do now, I don’t have anything left to live for because I don’t value myself. The people who love me, if they knew what I did, I’m not sure they would love me anymore, even my dog if she could understand. And I could just love what I have and love the people in my life and try to spread love but who would want love from some one like me? I feel like I would have to first tell whoever I’m loving, that I did what I did then if they still want my love then they can have it but I don’t see anyone wanting it after they know. I would just want to go find a more pure love from some one who didn’t have an abortion.
I love the man I’m with more than anything and anyone, and if I had just been patient and not done all of the stupid things I did while him and I were apart, the biggest one being the abortion I had, that we would be able to be together and be unstoppable and I would have everything I have ever wanted. But I messed it up for myself. And I’m still feeling selfish because I’m more upset about having the abortion for selfish reasons, not even really because I feel bad for the baby I didn’t give a chance at life. I also feel horrible about that, but it is still not the biggest thought in my mind.
I feel like I could have had the baby, made it work with the man I was pregnant with, the baby would have been loved and had a good life, I could have done it and still been happy. It just wouldn’t have been “picture perfect” which doesn’t exist anyway. And yeah it wouldn’t have been I had planned or exactly what I wanted for my future, but it would have been the right thing to do. And just because it wouldn’t have been exactly what I had planned or wanted, doesn’t mean it couldn’t have been wonderful. And I could be sitting here right now without this feeling in my chest and I can almost guarantee that I would be smarter, stronger and happier and I would feel like I still have value and purpose and deserve to live a happy life. I do not feel I deserve good things anymore. I am extremely lost.
