My Journey with Abortion
I was raised in an extremely religious home. I had been raised being taught pre-marital sex was a sin and abortion was never an option. Looking back now, the Lord gave me the parents I needed to keep me from making poor decisions in high school. I made it to the age of 22 before sex became a part of my life. I had dated quite a lot in college, but that didn’t mean I slept with every guy I went out with. I had a couple of long term boy friends and this was the case when I found myself with an unwanted pregnancy.
Looking back now, I knew the very next day what the outcome of that choice to have unprotected sex was going to be. We had been a couple for almost a year and he just didn’t have a condom that night. Several of the girls that were in my friend circle found themselves pregnant that semester so any information I gained was from listening to their conversations, but not sharing my situation. I was an older student finishing up school and working full time.
They all had mentioned a clinic in downtown Louisville so I made arrangements to go for a pregnancy test. (I learned later that it was a planned parenthood clinic) I still remember the day they called me to confirm my worst fears….I was pregnant. It was just a couple of weeks until Spring Break so I decided to have the procedure done while everyone was gone. I had one close friend who I asked to take me and bring me home, but no one else knew about my situation until years later.
I really struggled with the idea that I was going against everything I believed in. The father of the child was deeply hurt and didn’t want me to go through with the procedure. How quickly I realized that I liked him enough to date, but didn’t want to build a life with him and raise a family. I had a distant family member who couldn’t have children and it crossed my mind to call them and offer my child to them, but then my parents would have found out and I couldn’t bear the thought of them knowing I had “fallen from grace”. I wasn’t sure how they would react – Would they disown me? Would then insist I come home and keep the child? These questions and others were ones I really didn’t want to know the answers to so I made the decision that my pride was more important than the life I carried inside of me and went through with the abortion.
I still remember coming home and being extremely sore both physically and mentally. I immediately broke up with my boyfriend/baby’s father and didn’t date for several months. While I didn’t fall into a state of depression, the thought was always in the back of my mind that I had done the unthinkable, the unforgivable and those feelings of guilt would haunt me for years. Even now, every October rolls around and think, “I would have an adult child who would be XX years old” 2023, that child would have been 31. Seems almost surreal in a way.
I eventually met my husband and we had a whirlwind romance. When we started talking marriage, I felt that he needed to know about my decision. It was almost like if he chose to make that a deal breaker, it would serve me right. He still loved me and wanted to get married and so we began our life together. After our first year of marriage we decided to try for a baby and it wasn’t as easy as we thought. I finally broke down to my OB who was a Catholic Dr. and explained how I felt God was punishing me for my mistake. I still remember him saying that wasn’t how God works and that every test we had run showed me being fully capable of conceiving. I just needed to calm down and trust God to do the rest. A month before our 2nd wedding anniversary we were pregnant with our first child. We decided to name him Gabriel – I felt that was fitting as I was still struggling with feelings of guilt.
I went on to have two more successful pregnancies before suffering a miscarriage. I still remember sitting in the Dr. office while he explained the baby (only 10 weeks) had died. There was no heartbeat and no other signs of life. The pain that had brought me into his office was my body trying to get rid of the pregnancy. I made him swear to me that there was no life, before I had to once again undergo a D&C. When he asked me if I needed some time to gather myself, I said “God has chosen to bless me with three beautiful children. I am not going to get upset when he chooses to take one home to be with him.” In my own way, I was again dealing with the guilt of my choice to have an abortion years earlier. If I could make such a choice, how could I be upset that God now took one of my children before I could even meet them? A year later I gave birth to my 4th and last baby, Emma who made our family complete.
Ironically having my children actually caused those feelings of guilt to be with me daily. I had been blessed with the opportunity to actually raise four children I desperately wanted and the thought of how selfishly I had discarded my first never completely left me. I now realized fully what I had given up and also that I had made a decision another person wasn’t worthy to have the same opportunities that I had. The guilt became almost unbearable and when my oldest child was in 3rd grade, I made the decision to go through RCIA and become a member of the Catholic Church. My husband and I had already agreed to raise our children in the Catholic Faith and it just felt like the right time for me to convert.
This is when I found true healing and forgiveness. Part of RCIA is reconciliation which I really struggled with. In fact I told God before entering the room with the Priest that if my penance was just some Rosary prayers I would walk out and never look back. Imagine my surprise when the priest listened patiently to my story and then told me to go out and have some reflection time, but encouraged me to find a way to give back. There were many opportunities for me to take my story and help others. He gave me some suggestions to research, and told me part of forgiveness was also being able to forgive myself. I have had many God moments in my life. My struggle has been realizing when I am having one. That moment there was truly a moment when I heard God speaking through the priest directly to me and it was powerful.
Since that moment I have been able to live with a feeling of forgiveness and the guilt has faded. I still always reflect during the month of October, but it doesn’t weigh on me like it used to. I have been able to do a few small things with some pro-life organizations over the years and I feel like sharing my story now is another step in my healing process. If my story can help another woman dealing with this issue than God has once again taken a negative situation and used it for good.
