When I was 20 years old I found out I was pregnant. I came from a very conservative Christian family who raised us on saving ourselves for marriage. I got into a relationship with a man who constantly cheated on me, and who I constantly took back. When I found out I was pregnant I was terrified, I had no idea the amount of vulnerability and fear you feel when you find out you’re pregnant.
Telling my babies father, he told me I couldn’t keep it, told me it would be okay that he would be with me through the whole process of the abortion. I was having the greatest internal battle I have ever faced, I knew what I wanted to do, I knew I wanted my baby. But I was so scared, I listened to everyone around me who said it wasn’t living and it didn’t matter, and eventually my fears outweighed my reason.
I walked into that clinic scared, but still a full person. I walked out of that clinic dead inside, a huge piece of my heart was now gone, I didn’t even know what I was doing I was on autopilot and void of any sort of hope or happiness. The doctors and nurses at the clinic made jokes, didn’t warn me about the mental struggle or physical struggle I would face. My boyfriend and I broke up because he made jokes about my pain as well, he didn’t think it was a big deal. But that one procedure changed the entire course of my life.
I struggled with suicide, depression, anxiety and many panic attacks after that and I still do to this day. I walk around with a constant heavy heart, I’d give anything to go back and keep my baby, to make sure they knew they were loved and deserved to live. I took that from my baby. I have been in a self destructive pattern ever since, getting into bad relationships, making sure I’m never too happy because I believe I deserve every pain after what I did.
No one talks about the things you go through after an abortion and I so badly wish they did, maybe I would’ve made a different decision, maybe so many others would make a different one too. Because this pain you live with for the rest of your life, this pain never gets easier it just becomes part of your daily feelings. I’ve been in post abortion therapy, therapy for the depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety that the abortion caused, that my decision caused. It helps but I will never forget every detail about that day, and I never want to forget it because it’s the only thing I have of my baby.
