Being a mom was always something I dreamed of. I knew and know that I will make an amazing mom.
It was 2 weeks ago for me. My brother had just passed away on my birthday might I add, it was like a horror story. I found out I was pregnant 2 days after we buried him. So many emotions ran through my mind, but the biggest one was who’s the dad? I messed up. I knew it had to be 2 people but didn’t know who, and didn’t have the strength or money to go through the paternity process, it felt wrong and shameful to have to bring a child into this world without knowing who the dad was until after birth. I couldn’t do that to myself for 9 months, I had already been so stressed and tired from the loss of my brother.
I was pressured into the idea of abortion tho yes it would have been difficult but in a way I knew I would be able to get through it and that’s what haunts me. I had an appointment made for a Saturday… every Saturday haunts me now, and I hate that I’m constantly reminded. A week ago I did it, or 2 weeks ago I did it. The pattern continues, it was something that I knew would break me completely but decided to – it was what was best for me. I took the pill method, the pain was horrible, but I thought it would be easier than the procedure. The bleeding lasted for about 1 week.
But I kept saying I felt pregnant afterwards, everyday my body continued to get weaker and more tired, I saw myself getting drained for the easiest things along with not wanting to get out of bed. It was dreadful. A part of me was hoping I was still pregnant, but I knew the unlikelihood of that. I ended up going to the hospital to then get another sense of false hope maybe just maybe that test they got that said borderline meant the baby could possibly be there. My heart got broken the moment the doctor came back to tell me there was options we needed to discuss. I knew while waiting for the ob in the er that this was it. This was my reality, I would have to forgive myself but truly didn’t feel like I deserved to be okay. No way I’m in the hospital over my baby that I aborted.
Everyone says the same thing you can have kids again, or you were so young, maybe you weren’t ready. But I know I could have done it. After the ob broke my news because I had rpoc ( retain product of consumption) again something they don’t talk about when you take the pill. I pretty much had to do my abortion process again, not because the baby but because the reason I was sick was the retained product.
In a way I felt the irony, I aborted – but the word is kill. I killed my baby, and now my baby is killing me. Part of me wish I never found out, because I felt like I deserved every last piece of pain I felt because how could I kill my innocent baby. How dare I.
And as I’m here writing this while the 2nd set of pills finishes the job, works its way through my body, I continue to have this thought of what if I just. And that’s all that rings through my ears. So this wasn’t a “it gets better” or a “I relate.” This was my journal entry because the pain I’m feeling right now is too strong to throw onto someone, but also too strong to just hold in.
So as I release, I pray for every mom, because that’s what we are to our angel babies. To every mom I pray for healing, love, and I pray that we become stronger from this, I pray that we find ourselves again, because I know how lost this may seem. I pray we never experience something like this again. We will be blessed again, and make amazing mothers.
