My husband and I have been together for over half of my life. We have a beautiful and bright 5 year old daughter who is our world. Lately we have been so busy and dealing with some issues and stress from work. Our daughter was also starting to struggle and we were in need of figuring out what was going on. During all of this I realized I had missed my period. I took the test and fell to my knees. I knew that having a baby would not be fair to anyone at this time. It would be a huge struggle and could cause so much harm to what our daughter was going through. I told my husband and he was so angry! “How could you?!” How could I? Did I do this alone? So I told him don’t worry about it, I will “take care of it”. I felt so dirty and horrible even saying that. I am in no way against a woman’s right to decide what is best for her but never did I think that I would have to make that decision.
I let a little bit of time pass as I struggled through sleepless nights trying to figure out how we could make it work in our current situation but I just could not come up with a way to make it work. I knew in my heart that my husband and I are strong and together we can accomplish anything but I felt like his belief in that was not as strong as mine. I went online and made the appointment. I got the pills prescribed, I held on to them for several days hoping my husband would come to me and say “its ok, you were right, we will figure this all out” but he never did. Every time I tried discussing it with him he would shut down and not talk.
So I took the first pill on a Friday. I held the pill in my hand for what seemed like forever before actually swallowing it. My heart immediately sank and I began to cry. The next day I waited until after we ate dinner and I put the first 4 pills in my cheeks. I sat on the floor and played with my daughter as the pills that were going to be erasing her little brother or sister was in my mouth as I played with her. I felt like such a monster! I had to wait 4 hours to take the next 4 pills. I pit my daughter to bed, watched a movie with my husband, kissed him goodnight and said I needed to use the bathroom. As he peacefully slept I put the final 4 pills in my cheeks and went and lied down in bed awaiting the cramps to begin. I fell asleep but was woken up by terrible pain. It had began. I went to the bathroom and checked but no bleeding had started yet. I took some Tylenol put on a pad and went and lied back down. About 2 hours later the cramps were so strong I knew something was about to happen so I went and sat on the toilet. I was in so much pain as my family slept just on the other side of the door. I started to feel like I was going to pass out so I pulled up my pants, turned on the fan and curled up on the floor.
Suddenly the worst pain I have ever felt came upon me and then I felt a rush of warm liquid fill my underwear and soak through the pad onto the floor. I knew that was my water breaking so I got back up on the toilet. A couple of seconds later I felt the strongest urge to push so I did and I felt relief from the pain but it felt very strange. Like something was still stuck to me. I was scared to loom so I stuck my head down there and felt and I felt the umbilical cord. My baby was dangling from my body into the toilet. At this point my body and my mind were in shock, I had no idea what to do. Nowhere did I read that this would happen. Was something wrong and thats why this was happening? Do I wake my husband? I was so scared. Then what felt like an eternity later I felt another sudden urge to push and the Placenta fell into the toilet. I sat there in shock for several minutes. Do I look in the toilet? Will I see a baby? An alien? I didn’t even know for sure how far along I was. So I did the worst thing I could have done, I looked. I couldn’t see anything through the blood soaked toilet water. So again, I did the worst thing I could have done, I stuck my hand in there. I examined the Placenta looking for signs of a embryo. I couldn’t find anything. I knew I felt something come out, it had to be in there. So I lifted the Placenta out of the bloody water and there floating at the top was my baby! It looked like an actual baby! 10 perfectly formed fingers, 10 perfectly formed toes, and the sweetest little face I have ever seen! I panicked! I dropped the placenta in the bowl and flushed.
I don’t remember much after that except going back to bed and my husband asking what was going on. I just rolled over and said you don’t have to worry about anything, I have taken care of everything. He said ok and rolled back over and fell back asleep. He never hugged me, or even asked if I was ok.
I am so alone! I will bear this memory, that face, those fingers and toes, that perfect baby will be burned into my memory for the rest of my life! How do I live with myself?
