My husband and I have 3 children. We live in a very small place. Our first child came 5 years after we were told I couldn’t have children. So it was no question I wasn’t letting her go. Seven years later, while on birth control, my second child came. The pregnancy was difficult and he almost didn’t survive. But he made it and he is wonderful. Shortly after he was born, while on birth control I conceived another child. We chose to end that pregnancy as we were living in the basement of his mom’s house at the time. It kept flooding, the ground was coming through under the tiles. It was a hard time for us. The termination, although difficult, was simple. I was very early and completely put under so I don’t remember anything and had no pain. I still think about it, but I was able to mourn and move on. I made a promise it would never happen again. Our son was just an infant at the time so I had an infant to hold close. Seven more years pass and my fourth child is conceived on birth control (iud). We thought about termination. We were living where we are now, a very small 2 bedroom home. It’s more like a hotel it’s so tiny. I couldn’t let her go. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I was excited, still thinking about the prior termination and how terrible I felt. She’s amazing. Our third baby. Yeah, our place is tiny and we’re maxed out but we make it work the best we can. I thought that was it. Our family is made, I felt whole and complete. Even though I’ve conceived on multiple forms of birth control I felt confident in the newest one I was on and that it wouldn’t happen again. No more pregnancies. Our third baby also almost took my life and it was an extremely difficult situation. But she’s here and healthy.
2 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant again. Now, I’ve been calling daily for them to schedule my tubes to be tied. I didn’t want another pregnancy. I’m exhausted, our house is full, I love the little lives we brought into this world but I was done. And there I was, pregnant again. I was devastated. I couldn’t have another child, it would take so much from the three we have.
So we did it. We terminated it. I can’t even say the word. Now we’re hurting. This time it wasn’t the same. I was wide awake. I felt and heard everything. I feel like I damned myself to hell. Why did I decide I was done? Days later, my husband had this pain on his face, I knew he regretted it too but didn’t want to put his feelings over mine. He felt selfish he was the one hurting. I wish I knew how he felt before we did it. I was in the office having the termination thinking “maybe he’ll call me and say let’s not do this”. And he was in the car hoping I’d come out and say I couldn’t do it. This time I keep thinking it was a boy. What would he have looked like? Smelled like? Would I have survived another pregnancy and childbirth?
It hasn’t even been a week and we’re a mess. I feel like I did the worst thing I could do and I don’t deserve to be a mom. I don’t want to look at my kids vs last time I held them closer. I’m surviving off of anxiety medication. I’ve had the same bottle for 5 years, that’s how little I’ve used it. Now…I use it almost daily because I start to have a panic attack at the craziest times. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m still bleeding. Why couldn’t they have knocked me out? I hate this.
